Useful bits and interesting bobs, No. 9
Every other week I try to highlight something DSL's might find useful or interesting - this week it's an interview with Reverend Richard Cole that has stayed with me long after I first listened to it.
Before I start, I’ve had a few people very kindly opt to make a donation to this substack. I am extremely flattered and really appreciate these offers, and so I have now enabled this option (please don't think I'm being cheeky with the amounts, I've set both the monthly and annual rates at the lowest it lets me!). I’ll be honest, I don’t completely understand how this feature works or what will happen now, but I am certain that all of the content on here will remain free for everyone. Given how busy we all are, I’m genuinely just delighted that some people seem to be reading it and getting something out of it. And if anyone has opted to donate without realising this - or just by mistake - and money has now come out of your account, then please do get in touch and I’ll return it to you!
Anyway, where were we?
Amongst the thousands of hours of podcasts I’ve listened to, there have been a few absolute gems that have really had an impact on me. And this is maybe the most special of those: Reverend Richard Coles’s appearance on the How Do You Cope show (you can listen here, or find it on most podcast platforms).
NB The interview contains strong language, and some content that some listeners might find upsetting or offensive, and would not be suitable for younger listeners. You can skip the first 15 minutes (it’s just the two regular hosts chatting amongst themselves) and even skip to the 19 minute mark if you want, because the first four minutes of the interview is a bit silly and uninteresting.
The focus of the main conversation is Coles talking about the bereavement he has experienced after losing his partner to alcoholism. The main thing that makes it so wonderful is his remarkable ability to find words and phrases that are somehow blunt and down-to-earth, but at the same time poetic and profound. Some experiences are so big and powerful that they are almost impossible to explain or describe to other people. So I was in awe of how he managed to connect me with what he had been through. That alone blew me away and makes it worth a listen.
But there were a few other angles that I found really illuminating.
As an atheist myself, I found his description of the role that God and religion played in his grief fascinating, and it really made me think about this aspect of other people’s experiences.
His description of his partner’s addiction - and what it was like being in a relationship with an addict - was similarly eye-opening for someone who hasn’t experienced those things close up. I’d imagine it would resonate a lot for anyone who has been there.
And then the way that he talks about death, and his loss, was also striking. He paints such a vivid picture of bereavement, somehow getting at the full raw horror of it, whilst also capturing the little moments of beauty that he can now find.
Basically I realise that I’m now trying to describe his ability to describe things so perfectly, and I’m probably failing miserably on my end. So you just need to listen to him really.
But there are two other little things that I noticed for DSL’s, when I re-listened to it before writing this piece.
He talks about how as a Reverend many of the people he works with are themselves dealing with tragedy and chaos: they are often in awful situations or have had their lives completely destroyed. And often in our jobs as DSL's we will have conversations with people who are going through truly horrendous and overwhelming experiences. It's obvious whenever you stop to think about it, but these people are almost living in a different reality to us at those times, such is the extreme nature of the thoughts and emotions they will be having. Their reality is in some ways completely removed from ours, because they will be existing in something like a state of madness. And if that’s true of adults, it’s no less true of children. I think I’m still guilty of forgetting this sometimes. I don’t really know what to do with that weird truth, but he has some wise words on ‘seamless support’ that really made me think.
And then, when talking about his partner, he describes what it’s like to deal with someone who’s behaviour feels nothing less than impossible. I can empathise with that at work sometimes. We will sometimes be interacting with people who - regardless of our level of sympathy for them - behave in ways that can be extremely confusing, challenging or hurtful for us. When responding to those situations we can often feel like our best and only hope is to find the least bad of some truly awful options. In those circumstances, maybe there are no answers really. He brilliantly touches on the anger and the guilt that can come from such experiences. Sadly and predictably, for all of his magic, he still expresses regret at things he himself did or ways that he acted with someone that was themselves in an awful mess. I wanted to give him a hug and persuade him that he had done his best, which sometimes is amazing, and impressive and heroic, but still is not enough. I guess it's another reminder that compassion for ourselves is the thing we must all look for, whenever we find ourselves faced with impossible situations like this.
If you’ve got anything you think other DSL’s might find interesting or useful then please tell me about it…