Useful bits and interesting bobs, No. 4

Every other week I highlight something that might be useful or interesting for DSL's: today I'm looking at a podcast episode, in which singer FKA Twigs talks about her experiences of domestic abuse...

*This piece discusses domestic violence and interpersonal abuse

Ok, full disclosure, I love Louis Theroux. I honestly think that there’s something in his style that all DSL’s can learn from. For example, his steady refusal to adopt or reveal his own opinions., so that instead he can remain open and curious no matter the situation. Obviously as DSL’s we can’t do this all of the time, but it’s fascinating to watch how good his approach is at getting people to let their guard down. You could probably write a textbook on the subtle little things he does to get people to open up to him. There’s the careful ways in which he phrases questions. And I love the way he will just leave a silence hanging for ages: people seem to feel compelled to fill these silences, and often will end up going to places you suspect they never intended to go to.

But this episode isn’t about him: the star is the English singer/songwriter/dancer Tahliah Barnett, aka FKA Twigs. In this episode (listen here) Theroux interviewed her for his first podcast series, called Grounded, and the result is something that left a real impression on me, and I think will make an interesting and useful listen for any other DSL’s out there.

The first half of the interview is a fairly standard look at her creative work, career and experiences of Covid-19 (the show was recorded in early 2021). But if you skip to the 45:00 minute mark you’ll get to the start of the second segment, which was recorded after Barnett had filed a lawsuit against her ex-partner Shia LaBeouf, in which she accused him of sexual assault, battery and infliction of emotional distress (the case is currently scheduled for trial in September 2025). In this second section, which lasts around 20 minutes, she explains that she wants to talks to Louis about her experiences, which she then goes on to do with a humbling degree of honesty and courage.

It’s a potentially difficult and upsetting listen, so please bear that in mind and look after yourself. But why do I think it might be worth your time?

First of all, it’s a powerful example of how conversations with survivors of domestic abuse can have real value. And sometimes - when the survivor or ‘victim’ is comfortable with it - these conversations might be direct and they might be raw. For us as DSL’s, just being willing to give people the space to talk about their experiences - and not shut them down because they make us feel uncomfortable, or because we’re worried about how it will make them feel - is important. Survivors will have times when they ‘want’ (I realise that might not feel like the right word), to talk about what they’ve been through. And times when they don’t. As long as we’re letting them lead the conversation, then on those occasions when they are ‘wanting’ to go there, we need to at least be brave enough to go there with them.

The interview provides a really powerful description of what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship. Barnett does a wonderful job of capturing the emotional and psychological aspects of interpersonal abuse. What is particularly illuminating is her description of just how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship (and as she acknowledges, this was for someone with a good financial situation and a successful career). For anyone that needs a reminder that ‘this could happen anywhere’, then it’s an essential listen. And I expect after listening to her speak, you will find yourself even more put off by that old question: “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”.

She also describes the first time she spoke to a professional from a Women’s Centre about her situation. She mentions how struck she was by the fact that they instantly saw her situation as first and foremost about being about her immediate safety. I do not in any way want to draw attention away from the lives and experiences of victims/survivors of domestic abuse. But I think it is ok to acknowledge what this sort of work feels like for DSL’s. Many of us will have had conversations with people (whether children or adults), who have normalised levels of risk and danger to the point where you feel like you are having to point out to them that what they are going through is really not ok, and that there is an urgency and seriousness to their situation that they cannot see. Having to tell an adult especially, that you think that they are in danger and need help, is always a strange experience. In those moments you can feel like you are living in the real world, whilst trying to reach out to someone who has gotten lost in an alternate reality. In such conversations the stakes can feel high and the emotional labour intense.

So I think there’s a lot to take from it. In our school we’ve actually shared this segment with staff. Whilst I love online training portals for their ability to stay on top of compliance and get people to access training as and when you need them to, I’m a big believer in mixing this with training that is ‘real’. Things like this podcast episode can resonate more than any voice-over videos or powerpoint slides, which can feel a little cold and often be quickly forgotten. Stating the obvious: if you’re going to use this in a training capacity, you’ll need to think very carefully about how and when you can get people to listen to it, in a way which doesn’t put too great a stress on any of your colleagues.

Well, that’s it for this week, if you give it a listen then do let me know what you think. I’ll be back next week for the second part of my pieces on dealing with concerns which you’re going to close with NFA, this time looking in more detail at what ‘Continue to Monitor’ means, and how we can use that phrase in a way that actually improves our safeguarding, rather than potentially making it worse. And as ever, if you've got a recommendation for me and all the other DSL’s out there, then please please get in touch!